At four am, I stepped out of the shower and heard the windchimes on the staircase outside my door.

It felt like:

now flight will be easier --

though my mechanics less dynamic,

my weight much lighter

~

the warmest source of light will shift to a lower horizon

~

 

flesh will be indistinguishable with smoke will be indistinguishable from fall

(fall, as in up a ladder*)

~

only in motion my initial exposure exposed

~

 bending down to pick up a piece of trash on the bedroom floor

and hidden in the carpet

a button

and picking up the button

a door

~

the weight

of a bell

in someone's hand

being the weight, the bell

 

impossible resistance 

to being anything but whole

(a luxury)

patient for the one hand's one knife

 (a not opposite luxury)

~

equality of blood and ponytail ties

one the color of the outside of the horse,

one the color of in

(but the horse knows this best and is smiling at my uncoordinated description)

~

something (someone) should be familiar 

but isn't

no longer is

~

my pride expands

(like pleasure, erection)

when I am delicately erased at the edges

however, it is short-lived

(like pleasure, erection)

when I wear my lack of agency as a badge

~

"Luckily our souls don't need protection.

The main thing is to keep them interested."* 

~

 

Once, I held my breath for a few weeks at a time.

Now and then 

(now)

I remember how it felt

(like windchimes on the staircase at four am).

 

 ~

* kate greenstreet, the last four things