Post-Want

The moment I'm comfortable sharing an image, it's almost too late for me to benefit from the sharing.

I want to share things I don't want to share.

And it's more than the sharing, though that's easy to talk about on a blog (which is made for, specifically, sharing).

I want to make things I don't want to make. Things I don't like, things I won't enjoy, things that won't satisfy me.
I no longer want to be satisfied by a finished product of a photograph. Satisfaction? How unsatisfying!

When I said this out loud a few days ago, I scared myself:

I took a break from my camera when I realized there was nothing I wanted to make that was beyond my capacity.

What I meant (mean) is that my Desire to Make has been regulated by my Abilities.
I've let what I'm capable of making dictate what I Want to make.

I want to work not beyond my Abilities but outside of them, to imagine without referencing my own potential for (personal) success, or failure, for that matter. I want to want something I CAN'T DO. Worse: I want to want something I don't even know I can't do, something I don't even know period!

If I've done it, I don't want to do it. If I think I might do it, I don't want to do it.

I want to make things: what I don't want to make and what I don't know is there to be made.

It's impossible, of course.
My camera is hot to the touch lately. It wears fishnets, has pheromones, carries a sword.

It's dangerous. Because I know it's about to pull me under the water.
And hopefully into the undertow.